Suicide is a topic I have held back from writing about for some time now. I’ve decided to offer my perspective so that anyone who has these thoughts can find a solution.
I don’t enjoy writing about it, but someone has to do it. None of what I’m about to say is theory.
Everything in this article is based on my personal experience. It isn’t how I helped some friend, but how I helped myself.
You see for years I had suicidal thoughts. These thoughts plagued my mind and left me feeling down.
Most of my suicidal thoughts came from low self-esteem and childhood related things. If you don’t like hearing dark things then skip to the solution. I’m about to get more personal than I usually do.
If I remember correctly I considered suicide for the first time when I was 10 years old. I was going through things from moving in with my Dad to my Mom almost dying.
I remember feeling hopeless in that time and not knowing what to do. Nothing made since to my young mind.
From dealing with the new living conditions to school related problems, I was just overwhelmed. If you don’t know this already, I could hardly read at 9 years old. So when I was 10 things were starting to finally become a little better.
By the age of 10 I could read a little better. My parents were told that I had a learning disability in Math and English.
I was supposed learn with the other learning disabled people but my Step-Mom was able to prevent it. She wanted me to learn with the other “normal” kids.
Luckily she was able to get her way. I learned alongside regular students but had to get tutored and attend a Resource class. A Resource class is just a class where you can get one on one help with what you’re learning.
My point of telling you all of this is because it all attributed to me having low self-esteem. I felt stupid and like something was wrong with me.
When I was 10 I just fantasized what it would be like to just end it all. I never had the guts to do it.
Fast-forward to when I was 15 and that’s when I almost went through with it. Not once but 5 times up until I was 18.
I considered swallowing a bunch of pills. The only thing that kept me from swallowing the pills is that I didn’t want to mess myself up and be worse off than I was before.
Instead the first time I tried killing myself, I placed a 40 pound dumbbell on my neck. I remember the blood rushing to my head. Things started going dark and then I rolled it off.
I started crying and then realized I didn’t actually want to die. In reality I just wanted to feel like I belonged.
This realization didn’t keep for long though as I said I tried 5 more times. I followed similar methods as the first time.
When I was 18 years old I was driving home and felt hopeless again. At the time I didn’t know my purpose. All I had was the dreams and ideas in my head.
I knew exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t have a way of expressing it. Having all of that trapped inside of me ate me up from the inside.
On the outside I had a decent social life, a girlfriend, and a job. Everything seemed to be going well for me.
But for a person like me that is simply not enough. You go crazy knowing you can offer so much more than you are. Not knowing how to get out makes you feel like you’ll never make it out.
When I was 19 years old everything clicked and I figured out a secret. I’ll call it the secret to getting over suicide.
When I realized this “secret” I finally found the root cause of all those suicidal thoughts. It was so obvious yet I overlooked it for 9 years.
Drum roll please….
The secret to getting over suicidal thoughts is to have a purpose. Not just some generalized purpose like “Changing the world”, but a straight up fire purpose.
A purpose that wakes you up in the morning and pushes you through the day. It has to be more than money, fame, and other material gains.
Of course those can play a role in your goals, but don’t base your purpose around them. Why? The reason you don’t base your purpose around those things is because they are temporary.
The solution is to have a purpose that’s internal. A purpose that is ingrained in your soul. That is the kind of purpose that will bring you up from the darkness of your mind and into the light.
For me it is being the best that I can be everyday. By being the best that I can be I am able to help others.
If you notice I didn’t say my purpose is to help others or change the world. The reason for that is remember I said you need to have an internal purpose.
Changing the world is external. Further more how can you expect to change the world if you aren’t your best version?
Exactly you can’t and that is why it is much smarter to focus on being your best. Stop focusing on others and focus on yourself.
By doing that you will actually end up helping other people more than before. The reason for this is because you won’t be coming from a place of need or greed. Anyone you help will be because you genuinely want to help them.
Finding my purpose was what saved me. My purpose gave me life and a reason to wake up each day.
If you are someone who has had or still has these thoughts don’t beat yourself up. It is natural to feel hopeless when you feel like you have a lot to offer, but can’t seem to figure out how to do it.
Take my word for it that you are fine. Take my word for it that all you need is to find a fire purpose. Throw away the timid purposes that everyone claim wakes them up.
Instead reach deep inside of your soul. Pull your purpose out by the neck. Write it down and live it everyday.
Don’t get too comfortable though because the fight has just begun. Now instead of suicidal thoughts, you will be focused on living your purpose relentlessly.
The world will try to make you doubt yourself, but your purpose will pull you through each and every time.
Tune in next time for some more…
REAL DEALIN’ With The Real Dylan