How Modern Parents Have Turned Themselves Into Murderers Of Souls
This is a Guest-Post by Damian Pros from Dare And Conquer. In “How Modern Parents Have Turned Themselves Into Murderers Of Souls” you will dig deep into a problem that is killing Children mentally and spiritually.
Could you deny that modern parents are murderers?
They are killing their children mentally and spiritually day after day.
Most of them don’t do it on purpose. They become murderers due to ignorance and fear.
Fear drives them. Actually, fear has overwhelmed them.
It’s so intense.
Their children have to face the biggest consequences of this fear.
Most kids have to face these consequences for the rest of their lives.
Modern parents have turned themselves into murderers of souls. The souls of their children.
And this is how they “stab” their kids in their soul multiple times, day after day, month after month and year after year:
- They force their children to study hard in school and go to college.
- They never ask what the kid really wants to do – just assume what’s the best and make this assumption based on their own fears, doubt and insecurities.
- If the kid has the courage to speak up and challenge them, they punish him/her by depriving the kid of the things he/she truly likes (going out, driving the car, playing Xbox or whatever).
- They exchange their money to give their kids a “short-term” good life in college, whilst they can proudly brag about their kid’s accomplishment to other parents.
And that’s it.
From that point, the kid’s soul should have already died.
After that point, the only thing that’s alive is a soulless body, with no desire, no dreams, no passion and no purpose in life.
A soulless body that will just be “breathing” and “surviving” day in and day out for the next 40+ years.
For multiple years, parents are stabbing their kids in their souls, day after day, month after month without realizing that they simply create another future soul murderer…
When the 4-step process described above is over, the kid’s soul is so numb that can’t react anymore.
It only takes a miracle for the kid’s soul to come back to life, and miracles rarely happen.
Does All This Mean That Kids Shouldn’t Go To College?
They should go, if that’s what they really want. But not because that’s what their parents, teachers or society want.
If the desire to attend a college is one the kid has, then the kid should better go to college.
In any other case, college should be deleted from a kid’s list of life options.
Besides, if someone wants to be successful or wealthy – (what most people believe college will give them is job security, success and wealth) – he can get all the success and wealth he wants without it.
The Issue Is NOT About College, It’s About THE Parents
It sounds like what I wrote above refers only to attending college. No, it goes much further than that.
I used this example, because that’s one of the most common things parents “force” their children to do in life.
I chose to speak about college, because attending one may lead you to living a completely different life than the one you could live.
And this different life could be better, or could be worse.
Attending college is not the problem. The problem is the attitude of modern parents.
Because honestly, most modern parents are a disgrace…
They rarely listen to their kids, rarely lead by example and rarely truly care…
They say they do, right?
Many of you are parents. I am sure that all of you believe that you care for your children. And you care. I don’t doubt that.
In your mind, you care.
Nonetheless, you provide your kids with EVERYTHING they need, right?
A big and comfortable home, their own room, a giant TV to watch their favorite series, lots of toys to play with and a lot more.
But have you spent a moment to think what your kids truly care about?
Do they really care about all these materialistic stuff you provide them?
Or do they care more about having your support and understanding?
So, how you dare to say that you care, when all you do every day is to spend 12 hours working at your job and never, ever spend time with your kids?
Yes, let kids grow with their nannies.
Go make money so you can get them a bigger home, bigger toys and a bigger TV.
But that’s not what your kids want. Kids only want three things:
Parents who listen.
Parents who support them in whatever decision they take.
Parents who spend time with them.
That’s ALL kids need to be happy.
Ditch all the other stuff.
Ditch the big home, the giant TV, Netflix and the summer holidays in Bahamas.
Do these three things, and you will have a better relationship with your kids than 99% of parents.
Do these three things, and you won’t turn yourself into a soul murderer.
Well, if you can do these three and also provide your kids with the big home and the holidays, well done.
Pay attention only to what matters the most.
No, I don’t say that you don’t need money or that you shouldn’t live in a comfortable home.
These things matter a lot. They are important.
But don’t focus exclusively on these things, because that’s not what kids need the most.
How Modern Parents Are Killing Their Kids In The Modern World
A couple of hours before I wrote this, I had a conversation with a friend of mine.
- She goes to college (4th year).
- She has a dog.
- And she wants to study art.
Are her parents killing her soul day after day? You bet they do!
As it’s expected, they pay for her living expenses so she can study in college.
She has fun with her friends, she lives in a very comfortable apartment and she goes out for clubbing regularly.
She is living the “good life” for now.
The problems started when she decided she want to study art.
As you can imagine, he goes to college in the morning. Let’s say 9 am to 1pm.
The classes of the art school she wants to study in are held 4 pm to 10 pm, Monday to Friday.
Who is going to take care of the little dog?
Because, if you let the extra money she needs aside, that’s what she thinks the problem is.
But is the dog the real problem?
You guessed it.
It’s not. The real problem?
Her schedule is really tight. It’s virtually impossible to go to college and study art at the same time.
It’s too demanding, too exhausting and will certainly deprive her of every bit of personal time.
She says she could do it, if she didn’t have the dog. Yes, she could probably do it.
But again, is the dog the real problem?
To discover it, I asked her two simple questions:
- Do you wake up every morning with enthusiasm and excitement to attend your college classes?
“Not all the time. Just a few times. But I like my school.” (That last one was a lie…)
- Will you continue to do what you study in college for the rest of your life?
“I can’t know for sure. But what will I do in case something goes wrong? If I get my degree I will have a back-up plan. You see, when I finish, I have already a “sure job position” waiting for me. I could use that to make some money in the beginning and then see what to do”
(At this point, I wanted to slap my head hard, but I managed to stop myself)
I calmly told her:
“So, you are devoting 4 years of your life to get a degree that you might never use, but to have it just in case you need a job”
And here is when the real problem came up.
As you guessed, it wasn’t the dog!
She told me:
“If I quit college now, my parents will get mad at me. They won’t understand what I want to do. They will start nagging and might even stop helping me financially. I should better finish it, get my degree and then see how life will go.”
The real reason she is unhappy, is not her dog.
It’s that her parents “force” her to do something she is not 100% okay with.
It’s that her parents don’t listen to her and don’t truly understand what she wants to do in her life.
It’s that her parents won’t support her in every decision she takes in her life, unless this decision makes them happy too.
And that’s a girl who has been provided everything by her parents for her whole life.
The comfortable home, the summer vacations, the TV, the money and all the other stuff modern parents focus on and try to provide their kids with.
But she has not been given what every kid truly wants from her parents:
Support, understanding and a friend who stands by her side.
Now, it’s time for the hard questions…
Are you a parent?
So, what do you strive to provide your kids with?
Do you really stand by their side as a real friend? Or do you push them to do things to satisfy your own desires and hide your own fear?
These are some questions you are called to answer right now. Don’t tell me. Just be honest with yourself.
Because your kid already is (or will be) at the same position with my friend. She is not a random incident.
I felt that way too in the past.
I could bet that at least 75% of young people around 15-24 feel that way. And not everybody is strong enough to go against the grain.
Do you see?
Alex is a reader of Dare and Conquer. He is in his early 20’s and he feels that way too.
There are MORE in the same position.
And not everybody is strong like Alex. Alex went against the grain.
But for every strong guy like Alex, there are dozens of others who won’t fight back and accept the “soul stabbing”.
So, you, the parent now reading this, should honestly think if you do the same when it comes to your kids.
Don’t tell me.
If you truly care about your kids, just stop a moment and think about it. Or give this article to your kids and ask them what they think.
All you have to do then is to listen.
Are you a kid around 15-24?
Give this to your parents. Ask them what they think. You are not the only one in the world in that situation.
If they still don’t get it, then you still have two choices.
Choice No1: Compromise by doing something you don’t truly want, only to live the good life for a couple of years.
Choice No2: Find the strength to go against the grain and do what you really want even if that entails some initial setbacks, insecurity and difficulties.
For me, choice No2 is the only real choice.
You will hate yourself if you make choice No1. And it’s not because I think so.
It’s because I’ve lived it, twice.
When I was a young boy – around 7 – I saw a remarkable violinist in TV. I was so amazed by his music that decided to learn how to play the violin.
I truly loved it and waited with enthusiasm before each violin lesson – but only for the first two years.
After that, my teacher was so strict that made me hate playing the violin.
I told my parents I wanted to stop. They said “no”. They were uncompromising.
They somewhat “forced” me to go to the lessons for another 4 years.
Hell, I hated every single hour I spent playing the violin after that.
It’s not that they physically forced me to attend the classes. It’s that I was only 7 years old and wanted them to listen to me and say: “Hey, ok, you can stop if that’s what you truly want”.
My initial love and enthusiasm for the violin has transformed into a huge antipathy.
I lost my passion. I lost my drive and desire to excel. And I was too young to change this without help.
So, this continued to follow me until I was in my teens.
It happened again when I went to college to study chemical engineering. It wasn’t what I really wanted.
But this time, I knew better.
During my second year, I decided that it just wasn’t for me.
My family would be raving at me getting a 4k dollar salary working at a big pharmaceutical company. They would be so proud.
But, as I said, I wanted something different.
I wanted more freedom.
I wanted to start my own businesses and become an entrepreneur. I also wanted to learn dancing and become a professional dancer.
Well, If I told them that, you can easily imagine how they would have reacted, can’t you?
This time, I knew better.
I stopped attending college and started dancing and growing my businesses full time.
I knew they wouldn’t understand – so I didn’t tell them anything.
One year afterwards, they still believe I am going to college.
You could say I am lying to them, and it could probably be true.
But hey, at least I am true to myself.
And that’s all that matters. Really, fuck anyone else.
If you are a grown up man, take your own path in life and do what’s right for you. Only you will have to live with it.
Now that my businesses are growing and thriving, they start to understand.
Deep inside, they know that college is an old story for me even though they don’t want to accept it yet.
I still haven’t officially told them that I quit, but I don’t care.
My friends told me that she wouldn’t be able to lie to her parents in the way that I do.
I don’t feel like lying.
If I had told them, they wouldn’t understand me. They would only further discourage me from succeeding.
So, why should I tell them?
They will learn only when they will be ready to accept the reality. I really wish they could sit, listen and understand.
Unfortunately, most modern parents can’t do that.
So, What Should Modern Parents Do Instead?
They should give their kids options.
Parents should try to educate themselves first, before filling their kid’s brain with mechanically repeated advice.
Parents should stand by their kid whatever life path the kid wants to follow. Even if that life path doesn’t promise a “secure job” at a big corporation.
Parents only need to do three truly important things before focusing on anything else:
- Sit down and listen.
- Support their kids in whatever decision they take.
- Spend time with their kids when they still can.
Now, let me know your thoughts in the comments. What do you think about this?
This is a very intense article, Damian. I understand where you’re coming from and can personally relate to a lot of what you’re describing here.
But I think that parents trying to force their will upon their offspring is not a modern phenomenon. This is how it has been for hundreds (if not thousands) of years, except for a few rare exceptions as in the case of Neil above.
They do it mainly because they think they know what’s best for their kids. But there’s a massive difference between “knowing what’s best” and “wanting the best” for them.
I agree with you in terms of allowing your children to live their own life. But some people need more direction than others… it depends on personality. For instance, I always know what I want to do. My sister on the other hand, is always looking for advice and direction. Both are fine.
I couldn’t agree more regarding listening to your children and spending time with them. I wish I had more of those two.
One last thing. I know that in this day and age it’s not easy to become financially independent, not needing your parents’ money. But it’s crucial to do it ASAP. Because as long as there are strings attached, as long as your dad is paying for your school and your mom is paying for your car, they will feel like they can tell you what to do. And there is some justification to it. If you’ve paid for it, you own it. Simple psychology.
To sum up my opinion, parents need to spend more time with their children, to actually get to know them and listen to them. Children need to become able to pay their own bills as soon as possible so they won’t be dependent on their parens cash and become independent.
Great article, vey important and relevant topic.
Excellent comment Tara!
Indeed, it’s true that it has been that way for hundreds of years.
In the past you didn’t have many choices though. If you were the son of a blacksmith you were going to be a blacksmith and that was it.
It’s different now. Actually, we are overloaded with choices.
I totally agree with what you said about becoming financially independent as soon as possible. It’s almost impossible to speak out and do what you want if you are still relying on your parents to pay for your expenses.
All good stuff. I sense a lot of anger in your words Damian and hope you will reach a place of forgiveness and understanding with your parents.
I came from a privileged position. My parents allowed me to make choices and pursue what I wanted to do (for the most part). I always knew I could do whatever I wanted to do and they would support me. Now I want the same for my own kids.
Hopefully one day you’ll have children of your own. You’ll be in a great position to pay it forward.
Actually, there is no anger at all.
I feel incredibly lucky. Without these hardships, I wouldn’t be where I am today.